Impossible: Somebody's been reading a little too much ESPN The Magazine. Write to Allen Barra c/o the Wall Street Journal. Razor and I went a couple rounds over his seeming belief that the numbers tell all. (I defended him, half-heartedly, because he says some interesting stuff, but he's eternally wrong.) He'd love your idea. Anyhow, here are some answers for you:

Comparing Wimbledon to the Masters is like comparing the shotput to tiddlywinks.

The Super Bowl is more difficult to win than the World Series; in the latter, the only fat piece of meat likely to hit you is Roger Clemens, if he's sober enough to see you.

The Tour de France is the dumbest sporting event ever conceived. Imagine riding your bike across the French countryside, an idiot trustifarian sort of accomplishment at best, without stopping to swill some vin ordinaire, eat some cheese that smells like your biking shoes, and take a twirl with the comely lasses of the villes (suggested courting gifts: perfume, economy size, and a twin-blade Bic).