Friday, September 23, 2005

Fashion Assassin: No, not yet another fl*p-fl*p (I dare not speak their name) diatribe. Summer is officially over, and it's bound to get cold enough soon, so their days are numbered.

I'm over the male persuasion. Just a list of mistakes I'm seeing young men (mostly), who seem about 2-5 years out of college making as they try to adjust from ripped cargoes, team jerseys, and yes, fl*p-fl*ps:

1. Goatees are over. Unless you're a bounty hunter or maybe a professional poker player, give it up, take out your newly-purchased eighteen-blade razor and give it a whirl (well, not a whirl, you'd kill yourself).

2. Dark grey dockers, maroon button-down, maroon tie, quasi-futuristic too-shiny black "shoes". No, no, no f*cking no. Unless you're in an area without electricity and you simply cannot see what you're putting on in the morning.

3. Hair gel. Read the directions -- the tubes always say use a "nickel-sized" dollop and apply evenly. Not, squeeze half the bottle and use only on the front of your head. A little body, some lift -- all acceptable. But when detrius from the street becomes affixed to one of the three horns just above your hairline, well, maybe ease off next time.

4. Ear-lobe expanding "jewelry". Not sure when that ever became acceptable. If you ride a bike delivering packages for a living, then fine, such adornment is de rigeur. But I haven't met a woman yet (and I meet a lot, if you know what I mean) who though large gaping holes in your ears was a sign of mating compatability. You know, that stuff don't close up by itself. On the other hand, you do have two handy places to put stuff, like pencils, cigarettes and christmas ornaments.

5. And those god ugly Scandinavian-patterned shirts...I mean, what is up...Oh...hi Sven. Good to see you again here at FP. What's that? No...did I type Scandinavian?


Flyer said...

I've been trying to instruct Eno in proper gel application since back in the days of the bad mullet competition between us. He didn't learn. Now look at him.

enobarbus said...

I don't use product. I learned something from the 80s, friends.