Masters Recap: I just have a few thoughts to leave you with on the last two rounds/conclusion of the Masters. First, Phil Mickelson has truly elevated his game over the last couple years, and become more reliable and steady down the stretch. He's no robot just hitting fairways and greens, I mean the guy can still light it up when he wants, but he's less prose to the blow up that used to get him. His weekend at Augusta National was a first class effort and he deserved the win.

It was a weird day, yesterday, though. It seemed for a while like it could be an all-time classic final round, second only in drama maybe to Nicklaus' '86 win or Tiger's first one in '97, which had me checking the tv screen of every bar on Bourbon St. as we partied our way through French Quarter Fest. You had all the best players in the game, plus a few up-and-comers, some crafty vets, and one of the most revered figures in golf, Fred Couples. Man, this was setup to be the Texas Cage Match of golf tournaments, and I popped open a beer ready to pin my eyes open.

And then it sort of fizzled. It was good and all, but nobody quite made it happen. Mickelson played exceptional golf, but he didn't have to play lights out to win, just play solid. Couples had every chance to push him, and probably hit the ball better, longer and closer, than anyone all week. If he had putted even decent, Mickelson has to work a little harder and maybe he cracks. Or not, and solidifies his new reputation. I'll tell you this, though, if Couples had won it all, you'd still be hearing the roar from Augusta, even you folks up in the Northeast.

The course was lengthened and toughened this year (again) and maybe the back nine that held such drama for years is now so tough that players can't make a run like Nicklaus did in '86, shooting 30 down the stretch. I don't have the answer, but I sure wish somebody had answered Phil yesterday, and kept him honest. It could have been historic, instead of just "Nicely played."

Masters, Day 2: I should start by saying that I failed to mention the biggest story of the day yesterday, which was Ben Crenshaw's 1 under par start. In addition to being a sentimental favorite at Augusta*, the best part was that it highlighted the fact that under the right conditions (dry, hard, fast) it doesn't take a long ball specialist to play the course well. Crenshaw couldn't hit it all that far when he was in his prime, and now he's 53 and playing the Senior circuit (but they're active seniors!). If he can play under par, anyone can.

Of course, he won't win, but it's good theater for Thursday-Friday and gives Jim Nantz and company something nostalgic to talk about with no Jack or Arnie in the field.

*Crenshaw is a two time Masters winner, '84 and '95, with his second providing a tear-jerker moment on the final hole when he tapped in for the win. His teacher/mentor, and a legend in the game named Harvey Penick, had died the previous weekend and Cresnshaw was a pallbearer at his funeral the day before the tournament started. The week was one long "win one for Harvey" march. Golfers are suckers for that kind of thing.

Midday Update: New leader, Chad Campbell. In case you're saying "Who?" he's a guy who everyone has been looking for to do big things for a couple years. He's inconsistent as hell, but when he's on he can be great. A very streaky putter, especially. When he gets in contention he can win. In Palm Springs. Augusta may be different story.

Crenshaw is still under par at the turn, and good for him.

Not a lot of big surprises other than that. Tiger has yet to make a run, but it's early (he's on about #4 right now). Nick O'Hern is in the top ten, but he's yet to win in America, I think. Good player, but very young, so don't look to him to win. Billy Mayfair was almost out of the game due to injuries a couple years ago and had to play last year on medical exemptions (players with a certain number of years/dollars won can get a one year exemption if they lose a season to injuries/health). Good to see him playing well, as he's a good guy. Darren Clarke, my pick for a "Best Player Never To Have Won A Major." Has a good chance to lose that mantle this week. Good luck to him, and anyone else who enjoys a pint and a cigar. Golf needs more of them (pros, that is. Most amateurs are already on board).

Enough for now. Back to work.

One More Thing: In the David Duval/Charles Coody runoff, Coody has surged into the lead with a 74 today. That's pretty damn good playing for anyone, especially a 69 year old. Duval is on track to shoot another round of 80 or more. Go David!

Spring is here: It's getting warm, flowers are blooming and The Masters has begun. I know Razor particularly has missed my intermittent golf blogging and I don't want to disappoint. All predictions are completely worthless, as usual, except to say that Hootie Johnson will get mocked on The Daily Show more than Dick Cheney after a speech to the NRA.

This year featured my first visit to the grounds of Augusta National, for Monday's practice round (thanks Rumhead!). I don't get up early for many things, but Monday called for a 4:30 wakeup for the 2 hour drive to Augusta, Ga. Most events of this size require a lot of sitting in traffic, standing in lines and riding on shuttle buses, but we pulled into town and parked across the bloody street from the club. Best $15 I've ever spent. Getting there early probably helped, too.

It's impossible to express how difficult the course looks in person. Golf may not require the greatest physical conditioning of all sports (ahem!) but I'd challenge anyone to walk those hills for four hours and not be tired. So it's no marathon, but runners don't have to putt on those freakin' greens. Putting in the bathtub is an apt analogy.

Some quick notes to wrap up on the visit: it's more impressive a place in person than on tv; the security and staff are much friendlier than I'd been warned; the nicest guy on tour is Fred Funk and I don't think there's a single player under the age of 40 who has the personality to make fans feel welcome the way he and guys like Lee Trevino, Chi Chi Rodriguez and Fuzzy Zoeller did during their career, which is sad; David Duval is either such a jerk or so embaarrased by his play that he doesn't come near the gallery (I think it's the latter because I've seen him behave the exact opposite at other tournaments - he's got to be sick of going through the motions when he knows he can't compete anymore); $1.50 is the best price you'll see for a barbecue sandwich at any sporting event; I'd pay more if they'd give me more than about an ounce of meat on the bun.

The hubbub in the media is that nobody that can't drive the ball 320 yards plus has a chance of winning, favoring Tiger, Phil, Vijay and the like. That's certainly true, but since they're the best in the game I suppose every course favors them. If the weather holds, the course will play hard and fast allowing some of the shorter hitters into the mix, so guys like Luke Donald, David Toms, Jose Marie Olazabal and Aaron Oberholser could be a factor. And, Fred Couples is a lock to make the cut, so I wouldn't be surprised to see him near the top until late Saturday, when he'll probably fade due to fatigue.

Should be a fun week no matter what. I'll post more as the tournament develops.

Midday Update: I'm looking pretty smart with the leaderboard being a goodmix of bomber and shot makers. Currently Vijay, Couples, Toms, and Oberholser are among those at Even or better. Also, interesting to see Stuart Appleby's name up there, as he's a guy I've always thought should be a contender in majors. He's certainly among those with the distance to contend if that's really what it's going to take.

End of day update: For the record, David Duval finished the day with an 84, beating only Charles Coody, the 69 year old Masters champion from 1971 and is one of the last holdouts taking advantage of his lifetime exemption for reasons unknown. I mean, damnit David, Gary Player smoked you. He's 70. And I'm not helping my "Golf is too a sport" argument, except that Gary Player's probably in better shape than Lance Armstrong.

The leaderboard looks about as I expected, with a mix of stars and unknowns, vets and newbies. I think there are a lot of names at Even par that look like good picks, even with Vijay going pretty low today. They include guys like Tiger and Toms, Phil and Ernie (as of 5:30ish). Tomorrow will be fun.

Katie Couric: After months of speculation, the word's out that she's ready to jump to CBS.

Couric is earning $15 million to $16 million a year under the contract she signed in 2001 and CBS is expected to exceed that. The domino effect of her decision will clearly impact all three networks.

It makes me wonder whether this is the last time an anchor will grab that kind of dough. The demographic trends have shown network news sinking for years now, especially in the (caution, overused media f*ckwad jargon ahead) "coveted 18-35 age group." The nearly simultaneous retirement of Brokaw, death of Jennings, and self-immolation of Rather, it seems to me, suggests an unusual caesura, one in which the networks might reconsider the wisdom of high-priced anchors presiding over slipping ratings. Why not hire Greg Peterson from KMTV in Omaha, to pull an affiliate out of the hat. I bet he'd do it for 250 thousand plus liberal car service privileges. The marginal loss is likely to be small, anyway. It's not like nobody will watch CBS if they put on someone who is not Katie Couric. And honestly, to poach another overused term, Katie's got no gravitas.

"She was on the air when 9/11 happened. And she brings a huge base of the same kind of people who watch evening news."

The kind in Depends.

My Whereabouts: Yes, well, sorry for the unannounced vacation. Two trials in three weeks takes some steam out of one's turbine. One non-jury, one jury. Blegh.

As for Charles Taylor, here's a much more entertaining article on his plight, and that of his cronies. Entertaining how? Well, here's the best paragraph:

In the case of Liberia, Taylor is still alive and so are his former Chief Lieutenants like Prince Yormie Johnson, who later broke away, Tom Woewiyou, Issac Musa, Col. Butt Naked (who now claims to be a born-again Christian), Edwin Snowe and others.

The inclination of Liberians to take on such, ummmmm, creative names never ceases to amaze.

By The Way: Former Liberian "president" Charles Taylor wants you to know that he's as innocent as the day is long.

The former Liberian president initially said he could not plead on the charges, which stem from his alleged role in Sierra Leone's civil war, because he did not recognize the court. Taylor faces 11 counts of helping destabilize West Africa through killings, sexual slavery and sending children into combat.

But after Justice Richard Lussick insisted, Taylor said calmly: "Most definitely, your honor, I did not and could not have committed those acts against the sister republic of Sierra Leone."

Given that this is an international tribunal he's facing, I'm pretty sure he'll be totally exonerated, escorted home in triumph, and quickly "re-elected." Much the same fate would await Saddam Hussein had he been lucky enough to fall into the briar patch of international justice.

The GOP's Troubles: First, let me say that it is such a delight to hear from Razor again. Watching the GOP self-destruct for the midterms would not be nearly as fun without his viper tongue at work.

Second, I can only agree that this does no more than provide an opportunity for the Dems. It's still possible -- even likely -- that November 8th will find them firmly in the minority.

Finally, if the GOP does manage to lose its majority this year (which, honestly, would probably require them to give it away with both hands), it couldn't happen to a nicer party. After all, as has been widely observed, it is only in the minority that Republicans in Congress have any detectable small-government principles. Once in power, they're drunk on spending as much as the crypto-socialists they once railed against.

McKinney: Yet another example of congressional DYKWIA syndrome.

According to accounts by police officers and Congressional officials, Ms. McKinney went around a metal detector, as members of Congress are allowed to do. The police officer reportedly told her to stop, and when she did not he apparently tried to stop her, provoking a physical response from Ms. McKinney.

She has acknowledged that she was not wearing the lapel pin that identifies her as a member of Congress. But she said that the police responsible for protecting lawmakers should recognize them on sight.

There are 435 members of the House of Representatives. So Congresswoman McKinney (D-Riyadh) is saying that Capitol security should rest entirely on facial recognition abilities of the police. And if they just happen to have any doubts about the identity of someone who is, after all, not displaying proper credentials? Well, they should just let it slide.

I hope they lock her up. Plus, I hope the officer sues. Further, I hope she is exposed trying some transparently manouver to intimidate him out of his lawsuit. No amount of humiliation is too much for her -- or, for that matter, for any other members of Congress who puts themselves above the law, particularly one designed for their own safety.

Headline of the Day: Shots break out at baby shower.

An incident on Pasadena Street Saturday night that police describe as a "baby shower gone bad" left a man with a gunshot wound to the abdomen and sent the mom-to-be to the hospital after she reported signs of premature labor.

Chickens Coming Home to Roost: Delay is de-dead; Kathleen Harris is on life support and her best friends are trying to tear out her tubes; what's going to make the trifecta??

My guess is that the third and fourth shoes to drop will be related to Abramoff and his cronies who are singing loud and long about all their good friends on the Hill. DeLay knew this was coming and figured it was time to bow out before any more arrows were fired his way.

Not that this will in any way shape or form give the Democrats any additional clue as to how to make hay of all this, but it makes for good theatre.

NFL strikes again: The No Fun League has once more decided, dangit, we're just too succesful and our players are getting too much recognition. We better find a way to take some of the entertainment out of this game. As Pat Yasinskas of the Charlotte Observer said,

That’s what happens when you ask a bunch of guys who think the collective bargaining agreement is interesting reading to determine what’s fun.

I understood cracking down on the throat slashing trend before it got out of hand and I don't want to see in your face taunting but PG-13 style celebrations should be encouraged. It's a highlight on every sports show Sunday night and has a long tradition in the game. It's fun, for god's sake.

Which reminds me, since one of the rules is no celebrations that involve getting down on the ground, don't let me catch any of the more religious minded taking a knee in the end zone and bowing their head in prayer. After all, separation of church and football is right there in the Constitution.

Our Man in . . . oblivion, it seems. Sorry I've been a lousy correspondent. Bad news, too: I'm just weeks away from another sabbatical, since I am beginning rehearsals for Much Ado About Nothing. It's a bit of a wake up call to look in the mirror and think, "Yeah, I could play Don John," only to have the director say, "You can play Leonato." No matter. It's a fine cast, a great crew, and, as with everything in serious theater for the last 5 years, it will be the director's allegorical indictment of "the Bush regime." Sigh. What will liberals do with their time when Bush leaves office?

Er, what's that you say? That I never actually returned from my last sabbatical? I suppose you're right. But it has been the Worst. Winter. Ever. I've been sick at least once a month. And when I wasn't sick, someone else in the family was. Plus, it looks like I might have to (gasp!) get a job! After two fine years staying at home with the boy (that's Little Enobarbus), I am facing the fact that he is now enrolled in full-day preschool and will begin kindergarten in the fall. By gad, man, I've almost forgotten how to work, if I ever knew.

So I see that the Iraqi document declassification project is starting to accord quite nicely with the Volcker Report.

Two Iraqi documents dated in March 2003 — on the eve of the U.S.-led invasion — and addressed to the secretary of Saddam Hussein, describe details of a U.S. plan for war. According to the documents, the plan was disclosed to the Iraqis by the Russian ambassador.

(Editor's Note: The Russian ambassador in March 2003 was Vladimir Teterenko. Teterenko appears in documents released by the Volker Commission, which investigated the Oil for Food scandal, as receiving allocations of 3 million barrels of oil — worth roughly $1.5 million. )

Perhaps I don't fully understand the nature of the oil graft in Iraq, but on what planet does oil go for $.50/barrel? Anyhow, more to come, I'm sure. In most totalitarian regimes, there's a real need to write things down, if for no other reason than to pass the buck when dear leader gets angry and wants to shoot some underling: "See, Excellency, I signed this project off to Habib last Thursday. Allah be praised, his is the head that should roll!"

In passing, I note that Viking Pundit is back on line. Okay, Blogger, you don't suck as hard as I thought, but you still suck TKE house bong water.

Finally, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court (the Council of Guardians for the, er, secular theocracy here) has ruled that "local health authorities can restrict smoking inside private clubs." From there, it's a short, short step to criminalizing smoking in my house.

Report from Mardi Gras: Matt Labash tells a great, and long, story of visiting New Orleans during Mardi Gras. And he gets tours from all the right people. Not just anybody can ride in Zulu and party at the Rex ball. That boy's got some pull, or they're really depserate for bodies this year.

Via Vodkapundit.

Canterbury Blog Entries: Put this in the "should have seen it coming" category: Chaucer hath a blog.

Bonus: He's offering an advice column:

Ich have herde of thes "adyce columns," and I woot much of counsel and wysdom, and wolde helpen peple spede in their affaires.

Sende worde to me on myne friendster accounte of youre troubles, and Y shal advyse yow. Yow shal remayne anonymouse, like moste of the politicale poetrye in my period. Yow may signe yowr queries wyth an amusyng acronyme if it pleseth yow.

Those funny Brits: From The Weekly Round-Up, silicon.com's Friday newsletter (subscription required):

Moving on, one established online brand, lastminute.com, found itself thrust
into the spotlight this week following a ruling by the Advertising Standards
Agency relating to some of the company's promotional material.
Everybody's favourite travel and entertainment website recently ran an advertising campaign
publicising special offers on children's tickets for shows in London's West End.
The problem was they chose the slogan: "Like Gary Glitter in a sweet shop, you too can have your pick of kiddy treats in London's theatre world."
No really, they did.
Since launching the ad in one of its popular HTML emails, and enjoying some subsequent conversations with the ASA, lastminute.com has admitted there is a line in the sand and the company has accepted that on that occasion it crossed it.
Mentioning the name of a registered sex offender in order to advertise children's theatre tickets,
lastminute.com conceded, was a bit much.
You don't say.
A statement from the ASA said: "The ASA noted the ad played on contemporary, tasteless humour... We considered the reference to a registered sex offender in conjunction with
images of children in an ad for children's theatre was likely to cause serious or widespread offence."
The Round-Up raises an eyebrow at the slightly nonchalant tone of: "The ASA noted...". As though they were perhaps sat around, sipping coffee, shooting the breeze when one of them said: "Hang on a minute... that lastminute.com email with Gary Glitter... does anybody else think that's a touch close to the bone?"
The ASA said lastminute.com had expressed regret that the email had caused offence and added: "They said their aim was to create advertising which stood out."
And they certainly did that.

I mention it only because I know how fauxpolitik likes to follow everything Gary Glitter.

Cheney "targets" Spratt: I love it when headlines write themselves. For once, though, the Charlotte Observer spurned the easy gag headline. Obviously, I can't resist.

In related news, traffic on I-77 and I-485 is a complete nightmare, and I'll be reduced to going home via underground tunnel. Oh well.

Piece o' Shit: Looks like Blogger has f*cked over our buddy Eric at Viking Pundit. I hope he can recover some of his archive of fine posts.

Blogger, you suck.

Isaac Hayes is intolerant of satire: Isaac Hayes, who was famous a couple decades ago for having sex with a lot of women, or something, and had his career resurrected by two funny white guys who draw two dimensional pictures of children flinging poop and making anal sex jokes, no longer thinks their brand of humor shows enough tolerance for delicate sensibilities and devout religious beliefs. And, who knew, his religious flavor is of a particularly satiriizable nature (sorry if I'm making up a word there).

Hayes, who has played the ladies' man/school cook in the animated Comedy Central satire since 1997, said in a statement Monday that he feels a line has been crossed.

"There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins," the 63-year-old soul singer and outspoken Scientologist said.

"Religious beliefs are sacred to people, and at all times should be respected and honored," he continued. "As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices."

Nice to see, though, that Stone and Parker are having none of his shit and won't kiss his ass with some "respectfully disagree" pablum.

"South Park" co-creator Matt Stone responded sharply in an interview with The Associated Press Monday, saying, "This is 100 percent having to do with his faith of Scientology... He has no problem - and he's cashed plenty of checks - with our show making fun of Christians."

What civil rights activism and religious satire have to do with each other, I'm not sure, but I bet it helps Isaac Hayes convince young women to have sex with his droopy, sorry, pathetic ass so I say congratulations and enjoy pretending to be relevant.

Deck Chairs, Titanic? Howard Dean, late of the Democratic wing of the Democratic Party, is rushing to fill the leadership vacuum in his party by . . . well, by trying to drag the racial spoils system into the presidential primaries.

Minorities have been pushing for more of a voice in the early voting, noting that Iowa and New Hampshire are overwhelmingly white. The new early states could come from the South and West to provide regional diversity as well.

If black people want to vote earlier, let them move to Iowa and New Hampshire, I say. At any rate, this will do nothing to help the Democrats' chances. (All they can hope for is that the GOP nominates a corpse or a criminal in '08 -- though with the Republicans, either one is better than an outside shot.) At best, it will merely be a furniture shift, perhaps intended to hold onto the loyalty of minority groups. (At worst, it could be a signal that the Dems fear minorities defecting to a charismatic Republican candidate.) As I've argued before, the Dems are so in thrall to their splintered pressure groups -- minority groups as much as any -- that a Democrat nominee ends up straitjacketed before the general election even begins. Pushing for minorities to have "more of a voice" in the process is like pushing for labor unions to have more of a voice. It just drags them further off center.

I may be wrong, but it seems to me that 2004 was the Dems' perfect storm. The base was fired up, the incumbent was on the ropes in the media, and every Democrat but Hillary wanted to run. Then they let a knucklehead like Dean drag them down the back alley of intraparty conflict, and they ended up sacrificing the old DLC platform (and Joe Lieberman, the best of their candidates) on the altar of the fair-trade-and-nose-ring crowd, who rewarded them by staying home in droves on election day. Afterward, the party punishes Dean by making him their leader. This is crazy thinking.

Best of luck to you, Howard, in your efforts to push the party further left. And give my best to Rove when he stops by with your next check.

Tomasky's LQ Test: Piffle. Tomasky's quiz is the very type of inside baseball info that progressive journalists and think-tank types believe is meaningful to governance.

The economy didn't zoom because Clinton knew obscure French political philosophers, as Tomasky admits. "But," Tomasky says, "his knowledge of that and 500 other things like it informed the decisions that made the economy zoom." Typical technocratic socialist wet dream, that trivia-minded bureaucrats create good economies. The economy zoomed because technology increased productivity steadily throughout the 90s, which (as most of us will recall) led to an optimism that made the economy zoom a little too fast at times, claiming gains based mostly on an "irrational exuberance" (and no, you don't get 500 points for knowing who said that) that said that the internet could make us all millionaires.

If the economy was influenced to any extent by policy matters, which it surely was, I would give that credit, in order, to Greenspan for keeping inflation in check through solid monetary policy (remember when libs all thought monetary policy was bunk?); GOP House budget chief John Kasich for being an arm twisting sonofabitch and the closest the House leadership has had to a fiscal conservative since Dick Armey called Barney Frank "Barney Fag"; and, finally, Bill Clinton for getting himself into so many scandals that he was unable to gain any momentum on his big progressive ideas (like his health care "reform," which would have dicked up the economy but good) and had to govern as essentially an incrementalist moderate.

Finally, what some wonk at a liberal mag thinks is essential to the intellectual life of American politicians is in no way dispositive. That John Edwards doesn't know who James Q. Wilson is, is not the same as George Bush not knowing, say, that FDR let Sidney Hillman make trade policy decisions. At least James Q. Wilson is relevant today, given that he is one of the leading social scientists in the country, while FDR and Hillman are both dead.

Anyway, I got 14 correct, which I think is pretty outstanding considering the foolish questions he asks.

For our resident geniuses: Which I so totally am not. A quiz from The American Prospect's Michael Tomasky. My score was unmentionable. Even by Jonah's "d'oh. Of course!" standards I wouldn't have done so hot, though I would have at least cracked double digits.

I Guess I'll Chime In: My favorite line from John Stewart was shortly after the "Mafia" won for best "song": "For those keeping score: Martin Scorscese -- 0 Oscars; Three-6 Mafia -- 1." I hate Oscars that are given in one category so as to apologize for not giving an Oscar elsewhere.

The Pimp song. The voters must have had a collective attack of white guilt for not giving Hustle & Flow any real accolades, so they vote in this god-awful droning to show that the Academy is down with flow. It's like the make-up nomination. Giamatti gets robbed for Sideways (not even an nomination!), and then they throw him into the mix for Cinderella Man, even though he was just very good in that movie.

Brokeback Mountain was a good first draft as Mrs. Eno put it. But it was still quite moving. As for the controversy, I mean, could there have been a less graphic movie depicting gay sex? I suppose that's the problem with casting straight actors (so they say, anyway!) -- they'll do the kiss and pantomime some other activities, but when it gets down to the fast and furious, well, let's just throw in some stirring guitar riffs and cut to the next morning of sly smiles and stiff walks.

See, I thought Crash was a piece of high art junk. I mean, I didn't mind watching it, and thought there were some good moments, and certainly excellent acting, but I hate these movies where everyone is magically inter-connected, and everyone learns their lessons at the end through overly contrived plot devices. It's more like a piece of video art than a movie -- I felt like I needed thick black glasses and a beret.

For best picture, I don't see what was wrong with Munich, which I thought did about as good a job trying to show humanity in the face of terrible violence as you're ever going to see. That movie had me at jump street. I think that the Academy is just sick of Spielberg -- or maybe it's a punishment for The Terminal. Speaking of which, what is wrong with Tom Hanks' hair? I hope it's just for some serial killer movie -- I didn't think The DaVinci Code had any mysteries hidden in the protagonists's hairline.

Reese Witherspoon was deserving, but the field was very weak. Felicity Huffman is a t.v. actress -- and I say that as praise. She's great in doing shorter scenes, and has a wicked sense of humor. I just don't know that I can stomach her for nearly two hours dressed as an ugly man in drag. Dame Judy -- it's time to well, it's time to stop. I mean, keep acting, but no more nominations. She plays the same character each time.

Clooney is both insufferable and yet damn charming -- I suppose that's why he doesn't get married -- what's the point? By the time the charm wears off, he's moved on. I do applaud him though for really caring about his movies -- I mean, the guy had to get spinal surgery from acting too hard! Not something you'll see Keanu doing anytime soon.

Well, I could go on (and I know you want me to) -- but I must get back to billing clients for my time.

As for Eno's distaste for Pirates -- well, there's two sequels being filmed right now, so there's room for it to grow on you. Snob.

It's hard out here for an unintelligible rap artist with nothing to wear. But not too hard, I guess, to steal the Oscar for best song away from Dolly Parton, whose song "Travelin' Thru", from Transamerica, was the only one of the three nominees that I could even accurately identify as a song, let alone make any judgement along the lines of good or bad. For a song to win an Oscar it ought to be something that you would actually listen to outside of the context of the movie itself. I find it hard to believe anyone would listen to four minutes of moaning by some broad they've never heard of, from a movie they've never seen. And I haven't understood a single rapper since Snoop Dogg. No master of locution, at least when Snoop said something was fershizzle, you could pretend to know what that meant, even if you were as geographically and culturally removed from West Coast rap as possible without actually being an Eskimo.

I mean it, Three 6 Mafia, what the hell are you saying.

Here We Go: Why did "Brokeback" lose? Must be the gay thing, right? Even though George Clooney already told us that Hollywood is so far ahead of you on the moral goodness curve that you can only hope to one day be that . . . um, good.

Plus, Hanks got the nod for "Philadelphia" years ago. And Swank got dykey in "Boys Don't Cry on the Side" or whatever and still took home the gold. So, please, no jive about those famously socially conservative members of the Academy slamming the closet door.

We Like Us, We Really Like Us! The wife (that's Mrs. Enobarbus) and I watched the Oscars last night. Long, long ago, many years B.K. (before kids), we were movie buffs, particularly favoring the Ritz in Center City, so Oscar night was always a tradition. For several years, though, we've really only been able to glance at the show, and we usually haven't even seen all the nominated "Best Picture" films.

Anyhow, I didn't think it possible for Hollywood to become more full of itself, but last night, listening to George Clooney and that sawed-off Academy president, you'd swear that the movies killed Jim Crow, fomented Stonewall, and might cure cancer next week. Who knew?

I liked "Crash." In its own way, it's a bit right-wing in that it offers no easy answers, no formulas, no monochromatic morality, no easy redemption. That's kind of refreshing, I think, in the bubble that is L.A., to have an artistic statement that consciously shuns the "let's all hold hands and sing" liberal panacea.

My comments on "Good Night, etc." are already on record. Good flick, but one-sided fiction.

I didn't see "Brokeback," but I think the controversy is overhyped, and I don't believe it lost because of queer characters. Mrs. Eno saw it and called it "the first draft of a good movie."

I didn't see "Memoirs of a Geisha" since I haven't read the book, and I don't want a cheesy movie to spoil it.

And "Walk the Line"? Jon Stewart was right, it was "Ray" with white people, and I liked it for what it was -- a glossy biopic. But it surely wasn't in the same class as the other nominees.

One question: When is Don Cheadle going to get his due, after being snubbed for "Traffic" and "Crash," then robbed for "Hotel Rwanda" (losing to Jamie Foxx, for god's sake)? Wake the hell up.

Bonus movie note: Netflix sent "Pirates of the Caribbean" last week, so I threw it on right away based on Razor's glowing review. What a piece of unmitigated crap! It was fully twice as long as it needed to be, with a plot overloaded with and overcomplicated by reversals and twists. And Johnny Depp (who is quite overrated in most things) was actually painful to watch in an overmannered performance; even his shambling, loosey goosey physicality seemed stiff and contrived. The typically charming Keira Knightly was wasted entirely, while looking far more masculine than her beau -- that elf guy from that trilogy thing. A failure. Walk the plank, indeed!

What did the AP know and when did they know it: The newly discovered video of Pres. Bush looking clueless in a video conference the day before Hurricane Katrina is all over the news today. It's the smoking gun that everyone's been looking for, proving once and for all that Bush hates black people and likes sending hurricanes to major U.S. cities then laughing away while they await their precious FEMA and National Guard. Interestingly, Michael "Heck Of A Job" Brown, who people wouldn't have let take care their goldfish after the ineptidtude displayed for about four solid days by his agency, is now the smartest guy in the room, or so it seems if you listen to the MSM. Every time he criticizes Bush, Chertoff, DoHS, or the entire administration at large his credibility, and hat size, goes up 50%.

I wondered why it took so long, though, for this video to be released. The transcript has apparently been available since September, but who reads those, right? And the public had a right to know. The press corps needs to be alerted in a timely manner, too. Why was evidence kept under wraps?

Why to sell advertising, of course.

The Associated Press (AP) has officially launched its AP Online Video Network in the U.S. after two months in beta. Powered by MSN Video and using AP
content, the ad-supported service will allow some 4,000 AP newspaper and
broadcast member websites to offer a free breaking-news video content to their
audience, initially totaling 45 million unique visitors.

Only nine hours after the launch of the network, paidContent points
out, the AP posted video of President Bush, Homeland Security chief Michael
Chertoff and other government officials being warned about Katrina, a day before
it struck.

Launch an investigation! Call David Gregory!

Update: Scratch that, don't call David Gregory. He's sleeping it off. Via Jeff G.

I (Heart) Libertarians: A few months ago I was noodling around the Web site for the Mecklenburg (NC) County Libertarian Party. I don't remember why, but it resulted in me subscribing to their email list. There were some Libertarian candidates on the local level in the last few elections and I voted for some of them, but the party doesn't have much of a voice in Charlotte. No surprise, but I thought I'd see what they were writing about.

I don't know how many people are in their circle-jerk but all I receive are emails about why the next meeting can't be at this or that restaurant because of location-price-noise-smoking policy etc. and whether they should have a table at a gun show next month. The occasional letter to the editor, but not much else. It's a Yahoo! email address that I don't even look at every day, so even though it wasn't what I was hoping for, like some rational debate or comment, I didn't bother to unsubscribe.

I've now unsubscribed. The final straw was the unbelievable rudeness shown to the one outside-the-club individual to open his mouth.

Several emails had been sent over the weekend about a press release the party had been crafting for several weeks opposing a new bill to use some public land/funding to build the local minor league baseball team a new downtown stadium (they're going bankrupt in a little town just over the border in South Carolina and could probably make a go of it if they moved closer to town. The city is turning the land under debate into a giant public park anyway, so the team and its supporters have launched a final effort to do a stadium deal). The text of the press release was a little amateurish and contained a typo or two and some obviously fake quotes, attributed to quasi-fictional people. They were simply first name only versions of other people on the list who are active in the group. They fall under the heading of "fake, but accurate" and none of the people "quoted" objected, at least not strongly (although there was much serious discussion of whether this issue should be discussed at the next meeting - discuss amongst yourselves, indeed). Today a response comes from a guy who had "only been subscribing for a short time" who pointed out that maybe fake quotes weren't such a good idea and that frankly, their overall level of debate was "unimpressive." Wow, talk about throwing a sack of cats in the bathtub. Here is a represntative response.

Who is this Idiot and why is on our list? Is he a supporter of our principles or
not? And which qoutes does he claim are made up?Lastly, our goal of this list is
not to impress you.

I think it's time I backed away slowly.

For the record, I'm opposed to the baseball stadium deal, as I was to the two basketball arena deals, one of which passed.

Crappy day: I've been lucky enough to have one relative and once good friend serve tours in Iraq over the last couple years and come home safely. Not everyone's so lucky.

From today's email:

Subject: Ben

My brother Ben was killed in Iraq yesterday. I amheaded up to Buffalo
tomorrow to be with family.

This was from a good friend here in Charlotte. His brother had been in Iraq about 10 days. He was about 20 years old. I met him once, but didn't know him other than that and don't know much about how he died, except that he may have been shot.

In case you had any doubt: I know we've hashed over how little anyone cares about the new James Bond movie, or any of them since Godfinger really, but in case some part inside you was holding out hope that Daniel Craig could breathe new life to the role, sorry. He's now officially less qualified than The Skirt. Pathetic.

Fun with physics (?): This is strangely addictive. Don't know what to make of it really, but you have to play with the combinations to get more pieces...

See, we brought them terrorism: When I heard about the explosion of the golden dome in Iraq yesterday, I was wondering how this would get blamed on the U.S. since it's obviously a Shiite vs. Sunni issue. Well, thank goodness, I didn't have to wait long (courtesy of the BBC -- natch):

Protesters in several cities took to the streets following the bombing, some shouting anti-American and anti-Israeli slogans.
"Death to America which brought us terrorism," they chanted in Samarra.

Yes, but we also brought Wrigley gum, Lucky Strikes, and nylons, so I think fair is fair.

Outsourced blogging may be as bad as outsourced national security, but I'm forced to do so. And Peter King and Chuck Schumer can blame it on my tin ear and cold, capitalist heart.

And so I present to you my take on the Dubai Ports World flap, as written by the Wall Street Journal editorial board.

Preview: Michael Totten is interviewed at NRO today by Stephen Spruiell. It provides a glimpse at what is, hopefully, to come on his blog as he reports on his trip to Iraq.

A Small Point . . . But it has been bugging me. All the media outlets have been talking about these cartoons that depict "the prophet" Mohammed. Who says Mohammed is a prophet? Did the media convert to Islam whilst I wasn't watching? Do you suppose that cartoons lampooning Jesus would be described by the media as depicting "the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ"? Yeah, I didn't think so either.

A man's hybrid: Finally Hollywood libs who want to show their commitment to going green but don't want to pull up to the club in a freakin' Prius have something to drive. The all EV version of the Mullen GT. Not bad.

Via Vodkapundit.

Cheney, The Shootist: When I saw the headline "VP shoots lawyer" my assumption was that the Bush administration had finally gotten serious about Tort Reform.

Whew, had to get that out of my system. Now that I've had my fun, Andrew Stuttaford gets the last word:

And please, please, please, spare us the sanctimonious hell of national "teaching
moments", teary apologia, and sermons on gun safety.

Harry Smith in an orange hunting vest, "walking up quail" with a pushbroom in a New York parking lot this morning, preaching proper hunting safety and etiquette, was enough to make me drop my Honey Bunches O' Oats.

Now You Know: All this while I thought Totten's blog was quiet because he was gearing up to go to Iraq. Turns out he's there and back already.

Sorry for misleading everyone about my travel schedule. For those of you who forgot...a few weeks ago I said I was beginning my Iraq trip today.

At least one organization on the U.S. terrorist watch list already monitors my Web site, and a Lebanese friend of mine convinced me that it would be smart not to advertise to the entire planet when I would be in that country. That’s why hardly any new material has been posted on this Web site lately.

He's already got his first piece up, about arriving in Kurdistan. Click on over and read the blogosphere's best reporter.

Fashion Man Attacks! Steve H. channels Razor.

More U2: Steve Green doesn't get them. I had always assumed that because they were sort of a straight-laced "message" band, and because they were Irish, that they went best with a good drunk. (Every band has its own recreational-chemical synergy, you realize.) Songs like "Gloria" and "I Will Follow" sure sound that way. But U2 isn't a booze band; Unforgettable Fire and Joshua Tree made me realize that U2 requires marijuana. Problem is, by the time I'd figured that out, Achtung Baby came along -- suddenly U2 was an Ecstasy band. I learned to like Achtung Baby, and tolerate Zooropa, but only after hearing "Zoo Station" at a rave.

And REM? Maybe Tylenol with codeine for everything up to Life's Rich Pageant, and then wine coolers.

Moon Over My Grammy: So I watched a bit of the Grammys last night. Just goes to show you that no real music has been made in quite a few years. U2 won, even though Coldplay's very U2-ish album was better than U2's actual album. There was a time when the Grammys were flavor-of-the-month. Now they're just flavor-of-last-month. U2? Mariah Carey? Green Day? Linkin Park? Didn't I see these same awards five years ago?

Well, John Prine won his annual folk award, which brings up two points. First, calling Prine a "folk singer" is like calling the Beatles a "pop band." Perhaps technically accurate, but wholly inadequate. Second, it is likely that he was branded as folk music since no actual folk music is worth giving a Grammy to. And Alison Krauss won the country album award. She's a wonderful musician, but you never hear her, since you have to switch off the country station as soon as Big & Rich come on. (Roughly every 12 minutes.)

Speaking of folk, loved the lifetime award for those old folkies, the Weavers. Tom Hanks (apparently played by Kevin Nealon this year) couldn't even remember their names. But those nasty old anti-commie blacklists ruined their career, which, based on the clip we saw was largely built on making money off honkified Huddie Ledbetter tunes. Wanna bet that they made a little extra cake by listing themselves as co-composers or arrangers? And along the lines of theft, Springsteen really thinks he's Dylan now, eh? With the bed-head hair, looking like he slept in his clothes, and the idiotic anti-war shout-out, "Bring 'em home!" Okay, Bruce, we'll just all hold hands instead and try to figure out why they hate us. That worked well for the Europeans in the thirties, too, I hear. And there's nothing much more socially patronizing than the millionaire liberal dressing and grooming like a homeless man. Reminds me of the way white liberals have hijacked the civil rights movement and attempted a moral equivalency argument for lifestyle rights, like the right not to get AIDS from your own stupid behavior, or the right not to have to "choose between" groceries and prescriptions. I think I like that argument, actually. I mean why should I have to choose between groceries and hookers. Surely Uncle Sam could pick up the tab on some of this.

Sorry. Ranting off topic.

The White Stripes won for best "alternative" album. Alternative? Two things: 1) If the music industry is giving you a major award, you are not the alternative to anything. 2) If you create a widely played, critically slobbered-on single by ripping off a 40-year-old Otis Redding riff, you are not the alternative to anything.

Oh, and Sly showed up, shuffling on to stage like the burned-out husk of a genius that he is. Look, Stand! is one of my favorite albums ever, and Sly belongs in any Hall of Fame you've got, but he's clearly in Syd Barrett territory now.

And that was that. I'm unimpressed. When I peek through the list of awards, the first thing I want to listen to is "Masters of Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar" (which won for best Hawaiian recording, not a heavily contested category, I figure). After that maybe "Shake, Rattle and Polka!" (why are polka album titles exclamations?) by Jimmy Sturr and his Orchestra. Sad.

Side splitting: Dusty Scott is one of the funniest writers, online or off, that I've ever read. His Atlanta Illustrated blog is funny as hell, but his personal blog, Pork Tornado, is where the best stuff comes out. Sadly, it's updated with all the regularity of, well, me after the Super Bowl Taco Dip Fiasco I'm try to forget ("How much cheese can one man consume? Flyer's inside look at 11").

Today's entry is particularly good. Don't read it will eating lunch at your computer.

Here in the Bible Belt: The Charlotte porn industry happens to be thriving, in case you were worrried.

Charlotte is known for religious fervor, NASCAR and banking. But what some
may not know is that the Queen City is also home to the largest distributor of
mobile porn and all of those video iPods sold this holiday are creating an
explosion in the porn industry.

Fourteen million video iPods were sold in
the first two months of their holiday release. A couple of days after they
took the market by storm some users started loading them up with
pornography. A Charlotte company called Xobile corners the market on
providing it. The traffic on their site just for iPod content was eight
million hits, which ultimately brought their server down and illustrated just
how big the latest porn boom is.

Needless to say, there are plenty of people in town who are a tad miffed by this company's presence in good ol' Charlotte. Me, I say there are just some jobs I don't want going overseas, free trade be damned. Tax breaks are the least we should do; maybe a parade in their honor.

Seriously, this company is a bunch of computer geeks who figured out early on the one thing that was sure to make money on the internet, and they've been very successful. The pay their taxes, create jobs and are doing nothing that wouldn't get done anyway, just in a different city/state. As the article goes on to state, they don't produce anything, just code it and sell it, though my feeling wouldn't be any different if they were shooting it next door to City Hall or a Baptist Church. Legal is legal, folks, your delicate sensibilities notwithstanding.

Full Disclosure: I have several friends, though not close ones, who work for Xobile's parent company, AEBN, Inc. And by not close I mean, no, I can't get free porn for myself or any of you.

More Super Bowl: The Super Bowl is not exactly a big deal in my house (we watch tennis and figure skating -- and f*ck you, I like figure skating!), but I did tune in last night. I was well pleased with the outcome. Cinderella story, homecoming for Bettis, etc. Lovely.

A lot of folks are crying this morning for taking a four-point spread, which was just nuts. The Steelers played dummy offense for about 19 minutes of that game and still kicked the crap out of Seattle. I thought the over/under was high (at about 46), but if you figure all the red zone situations both teams blew, it was pretty close to correct.

More Proposals of Modesty:

Age, it seems, has mellowed the Rolling Stones, who agreed to have their half-time performance at Sunday's Super Bowl censored twice for lyrics deemed too sexually explicit for family viewing.

The NFL said Monday that the British rock and roll legends had been consulted about the cuts prior to their appearance . . .

In an apparent compromise, Mick Jagger actually sang the offending lyrics, but the NFL, which produced the show, switched off his mike so that they went unheard in the stadium and on the broadcast by the ABC television network.

Shades of "Let's Spend Some Time Together" perhaps? The Stones, far from being edgy bad boys, are simply still willing to suck it up for the establishment, even if it means bowdlerizing their act. I mean, do they really need the money that badly? Cause nothing says "edgy" less than toning down your act for a paycheck.

A Modest Proposal: Please, please, please do away with the "[Insert Corporate Sponsor Here] Superbowl Halftime Show, presented by [Insert Secondary Corporate Sponsor Here], featuring [insert over-the-hill, disinterested vanilla Brit rocker here]."

We went from a non-sensical, briefly titillating, but mostly smoke-and-mirrors halftime show with Janet and Justin in 2004, to Macka (or was that just a Fidelity Investments commercial??) in ought-five, to now, the Creaking Stones. They were just awful. From the I-could-have-predicted-it-last-week playlist (Satisfaction, Start Me Up and second single from new album [which, after that performance, is just a SURE THING to rocket up the charts!]), to the awful sound, to the complete lack of cohesion and any sign of genuine interest, it was a debacle from jump street. The only fun part is seeing whether Keith is still breathing.

No more halftime shows that don't feature marching bands and drumlines (they have proven adept at getting on and off the field in the supposedly alotted 15 minutes). I mean, I know ABC wants to justify selling airtime during halftime, but really, isn't eighteen million a second enough during the rest of the game? No one cares about halftime -- that's when you get seconds on chili and hit the "turlet" (sometimes at the same time). At my Superbowl watching venue, only one person was interested that the Stones were on, and she's from Austria -- a place not known for its discerning taste (well, not since the 1700s).

I thought Dr. John, Ms. Aretha and Mr. Neville did a decent job with the National Anthem, as even though Aretha appears to have eaten a couple of The Supremes on her visit to Detroit, she can still belt out the notes. I didn't think the Star Spangled Banner was particularly well adapted to Aaaron's warbling, but all-in-all, a fine job, and since sporting events are for some reason required to start with the Anthem, that's a fine a place as any to "showcase" yesterday's hottest stars.

Halftime should not be an event -- it's an intermission. I think talking hotdogs and popcorn boxes would do just fine really.

Business cliches: Here's something my fellow bloggers will get a kick out of. Last week I went to the Charlotte launch of Microsoft's new version of CRM software. We are considering partnering with a company as a reseller of the service and wanted to check it out for ourselves. Microsoft has a gazillion companies who sell add-ons and custom features for CRM and they were all their hawking their wares. I got cornered by one guy and got his pitch about their product. All great. Told him to send me an email. Here's what he sent (edited to protect the guilty):

Hi (flyer),

It was a pleasure meeting you at the Microsoft CRM launch
event in Charlotte, and thanks for stopping by our table.

To remind you, our products are designed to extend the functionality and industry focus of MS-CRM. Our products enhance Core functionality, as well as Sales and Service productivity. Visit our website at *****.

I know you guys are focused on the Marketing module, so there may be some synergy to partner on deals. We have just begun live, interactive webinars for our v3 products, and our SDK which is now available. You can register now at *****.
We also have free, 15-day evaluations of our products. You can register for these at *****.

Pricing has been reduced significantly from v1.2, creating an even
faster ROI.

Please let me know if I can be of any assistance.
Thanks, and I look forward to the opportunity to work with you.

This is like a Where's Waldo of business buzz words mixed together. If he'd just worked in "paradigm shift" he'd win the stuffed bear. Keep in mind, I probably got chatted up by a haf dozen of these guys and I can't remember what any of them do. If you're going to follow up with me, how about giving me a clue as to what you and your product do.

Actual thoughts on Boehner: It's easy to be a reformer when you're new in town. Once you are the establishment it gets a lot trickier (that pretty much sums up the entire Republican Party at this point). Not many congressional lifers calling to throw the bums out. That's one reason I was a big fan of another Ohio Rep., John Kasich. Too bad he's squandering his talents on Fox News, but at least he realized you can only be an advocate for change in one place for so long and retain credibility. Eventually you have to move up or out.

That's not to say Boehner won't be an improvement over DeLay, or that he can't be a capable leader. In fact, I think he'll be a much better advocate for the Republican Party than DeLay because he doesn't have the baggage from having been the Whip. He chaired, if memory serves (too lazy to Google, how sad) Ways and Means so he knows how to reach a compromise without breaking kneecaps. I'm just not sure he would have been elected if wholesale reform were really what the party is after. Incremental change may be possible, though, and that may be the best we can hope for.

Color me baited: If only to to quell the uproar that will ensue the first time somebody at DailyKos Googles "Boehner, hookers" I'll jump into the fray. There were NO HOOKERS involved. The Congressman tips all girls $500 for lapdances and provides sugar bowls of coke in the limo as matter of course. No strings attached.
Just kidding, it was Kennedy's party; John and I mostly sat in the corner smoking Camels and drinking Wild Turkey the whole night, talking about the heady "Gang of Seven" days and how the movie deal never worked out (Santorum wouldn't sign off due to the excessivley violent vision proposed by then unknown director Quentin Tarantino - apparently it called for John Doolittle to debut the "Five Finger Exploding Heart Technique later worked into the Kill Bill 2 screenplay).
Okay, maybe not. But he did speak to my Poli Sci class at UD and he bummed a light off me which I figured made him much cooler than any other Republican dork in a suit. It's amazing how college kids brains work, eh.

"C" is for Castration, Calamnity and Chaos: You never know what will pop over at Opinion Journal. Comes now an article on death metal and the unique vocal stylings of the lead singers who practice that craft. Apparently, according to those in the know at the Wall Street Journal, the singers invoke what's known as "Cookie Monster Singing" to spell out (in an indecipherable manner) their thoughts on dismemberment, death, torture and pain.

The author even got Frank Oz to comment, which is just fantastic as far as I'm concerned.

Boehner: I don't know much about the new guy. Sounds like the usual, though:

Boehner has a strong conservative voting record, winning a perfect score from the American Conservative Union in 2004 and a "0" from the liberal Americans for Democratic Action. Conservative groups rallied behind the choice.

"John Boehner has a solid record of support for pro-growth principles and a history of ... (enacting) those principles into law," said Pat Toomey, president of the Club for Growth.

Boehner is also pro-business. He was president of a plastics manufacturing company in Ohio before coming to Congress. The National Association of Manufacturers called him a "longtime friend."

But he also has ties to Washington lobbyists, a fact that worried some Republicans hoping to put K Street scandals behind them.

Actually, I respect the Club for Growth's opinion, if only because their conservatism is economic, rather than social, making them the leaders of the libertarian wing of the GOP. Still, they're an advocacy group, thus inclined to put lipstick on the pig.

I do wish Flyer would chime in here, since he is the only blogger I know who scored hookers with Boehner. No, wait, I'm misremembering -- it wasn't hookers. What was it Flyer?

Uhh, Mr. President, ExxonMobil on Line 3: We should all know better than to hold W to his word when he is speaking about "addiction" or ummm, "math". Apparently, when W said he wanted the U.S. to cut its "addiction to oil" by replacing "more than 75 percent of our oil imports from the Middle East by 2025," what he was really saying was

''This was purely an example,'' Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman said.

He said the broad goal was to displace foreign oil imports, from anywhere, with domestic alternatives. He acknowledged that oil is a freely traded commodity bought and sold globally by private firms. Consequently, it would be very difficult to reduce imports from any single region, especially the most oil-rich region on Earth.

Asked why the president used the words ''the Middle East'' when he didn't really mean them, one administration official said Bush wanted to dramatize the issue in a way that ''every American sitting out there listening to the speech understands.'' The official spoke only on condition of anonymity because he feared that his remarks might get him in trouble.

Now, I can certainly understand how some speech at a VFW might get taken out of context, or if W was doing one of his new Q&A's, he might use bold examples to sell his overall message, but uhh, wasn't this language in the State of the Union Address? You know, the one that is Constitutionally mandated (well, in one form or another)?

Listen, I think all SOTUs are so much balderdash, and I wish we'd go back to the Jeffersonian ideal of handing in a written list of "stuff I'd like to git done in the next year or so," as opposed to displacing "Fear Factor" or whatever was on. But, if we're going to have this farcical "speech" with 60 breaks for applause (and scowls), then let's at least try to say what we mean, or maybe agree to wait say, 72 hours before we go about spinning the words our speechwriters spent weeks putting together.

Two Names: Eleanor Rigby. Stanley Jordan. Put the two together, and you get something pretty awesome.

More Superbowl Coverage: Here's a look at the distilled truth over at the Worldwide Leader in Sports.

As for me? I'm taking the Hawks, 24-17.

Just in case I bought a box of Worrisome Washcloths to wave around...what's that? Oh sorry, Horrendous Hankies, you know, to wave around whenever the Ste....hmmmm? Towels? Oh dear...I feel I've been deceived. Who would have thought that guy selling the Official Superbowl Merchandise from his shopping cart was in fact nothing more than a low down counterfeiter?

Uh Oh: Google misses analysts expecatations. After hour trading does not bode well:

GOOGLE (RT-ECN)
Symbol: GOOG
Last Trade: 359.42 4:51PM ET
After Hours Change: Down 73.2401 (16.93%)
Today's Change: Down 67.40 (15.79%)
Bid: 359.35
Ask: 359.83

Obligatory Pre-Superbowl Post: Decent story here about the brothers Courson, Steve and Bruce. Steve played for the Steelers during the heady days of the steel curtain, when the terrible towel was something that hung from Bradshaw's belt. He became an anti-steroids crusader after his health was destroyed by them. Bruce, never much of a football fan, still roots for the Steelers, his late brother's old team. (Steve died in an accident last year.) I like the part about how he taught himself German and Russian to better study history. I'm sure that happens all the time in the NFL, eh?

Annoying NPR Trait; No. 14 of 38: Listening to Sunday's Weekend Edition and there was a report by the ubiquitous and, per NPR's mission statement, oddly-accented, Sylvia Poggioli [Note: despite her not quite-Italian-but-what-the-hell-is-it accent, as her own bio admits, she was born in the good old-U-S-of-A -- Providence, RI to be exact (and to be clear, while put-upon accents are bad enough, at least she doesn't suffer from one of the various speech impediments that seem to afflict about 1/5 of the staff at NPR)]. I don't even remember the story at the moment, but she was quoting from various European newspapers about the subject. First up, what Sylvi-dahling called (if memory serves me) the "Viennese Daily" which I believe she meant the "Wiener Zeitung" which translates into "Viennese Newspaper". I could be wrong -- the exact paper is not important to my point, what follows is:

Then she prattles on for a while in her up-and-down accent, coming to her next paper, which I cannot recall here because...yes, she said it in Italian -- her "native" tongue (to my ear, it sounded like approximately 27 syllables thrown together into one, maybe two words).

See, I got two beefs: 1) She didn't dare try the awkward germanic title of the Viennese newspaper, but [it's my suspicion that] 2) she picked an Italian newspaper as her second source, just so she could show how good her Italian is.

Too good for the Adolphs of the world Sylvia? And you're telling me you couldn't find a perfectly decent article in the Des Moines Register [pronounced "dess moynes"] regarding the fall of the Euro or how strikes by railway workers in Kosovo save lives? Bahhhh.

Live or Memorex?: I don't know how long it must have taken to get the video game to sync with the video, but in any event, kudos.

What am I talking about? Well of course it's a side-by-side simulation using Grand Prix 4 of (what appears to be) a time trial at Spa in a Jordan F1 racer.

Pretty amazing. You'll not want to use a dial up to watch, of course.

Aussie Oh How Wrong: That'll teach you to bet my card. Henin hangs on to beat Sharapova, and Clijsters injures her ankle and gives Mauresmo the spot in the final. I may be continuing my streak of lousy predictions, but in a Mauresmo-Henin final, you gotta like Henin.

Update: Or, you know, not.

A Terrorist Organization Grabs the Levers of Power in a Dictatorial Quasi-State: So Hamas is now officially in charge at the Palestinian Authority. This is probably worse than them being unofficially in charge, when Arafat was their hostage. Note the "world reactions" part of the article:

Reactions to the Hamas victory streamed in from around the world. Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi, according to news reports, called it a "very, very, very bad result." But Benita Ferrero-Waldner, the European Union's external relations commissioner, said Hamas must be "ready to work for peace" with Israel if it joins the Palestinian government.

U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan congratulated the Palestinian people on the peaceful elections, which he views as an important step toward a Palestinian state.

President Bush told The Wall Street Journal on Wednesday the United States will not deal with Hamas until it renounces its position calling for the destruction of Israel.

Kind of tells you all you need to know. Bush and Berlusconi disapprove; oh, but they're both part of the Axis of Cowboy, after all. Kofi sends flowers and a mash note.

More: Click here to find out why Laurence Simon says

Dig a six-foot hole in the lawn at the Carter Center and lay a trail of peanuts from the airport to it's edge.

Boot meets ass, shovel meets dirt, Cartner meets destiny. Film at 11.

BB&T: A big financial player from Flyer's neck of the woods comes out swinging against eminent domain.

BB&T, the nation’s ninth largest financial holdings company with $109.2 billion in assets, announced today that it "will not lend to commercial developers that plan to build condominiums, shopping malls and other private projects on land taken from private citizens by government entities using eminent domain."

Via Volokh Conspiracy's Tyler Cowen, who has lots more in his comments section, including some nuggets like this one.

Google F.U. (that is, Follow Up): You know I used to be a big fan of Google, and I defended them when economic know-nothings made them the latest windmill in their campaign against successful American companies (Microsoft, Walmart). But I'm not naive, and I don't buy into corporate philosophies. Everyone's got a price.

Remember the old joke about the man and the woman in the bar?

Man: Sleep with me for a million bucks?

Woman: Sure.

Man: How about for a sawbuck?

Woman: Whaddya think I am, a whore?

Everyone's got a price, and today Google's the whore.

You want irony??: I got your irony right here. Otherwise known as Google's "10 Things" under the "Our Philosophy" banner. Go right to number 4 folks, which reads: "4. Democracy on the web works."

May I suggest a new title? "Democracy on the web works, unless you're kowtowing to a totatalitarian regime in exchange for market share, in which case, you know, there are alternatives to democracy that are just fine, really."

Oh, and item 8 is a real hoot too if you think about it for even one one-googlieth of a second.

And let's not even bother with number 6...

*sigh*

Google This: Thus sayeth the Hog, to Google:

I hope your founders enjoy spending their blood money.

Amen.

More: Want a second opinion? Here's Will Collier.

Blood money isn't worth it.

Hey, Google, get with the program or I'll . . . I'll . . . I'll stop using your crappy blogger front end, goddammit!

Long Absence: I've been painting woodwork, helping the boy set up his first fish tank, and driving all over creation, plus cooking some kick-ass meals nightly. (That KFC night this week was not my idea.) Tonight is pork vindaloo with sauteed spinach and lentils, by the way.

Down to business. I see that Miss Hingis wowed her critics this week, getting bounced in the quarters by the world number 1. Not too shabby. Granted, she didn't have to go through either of the Williams sisters on the way, but she made Big Kim go three sets. She still has an awful lot of work to do, but I think she can make a respectable claim to comeback success. And she's still the closest thing to cute on the tour. The women's draw looks pretty strong at the end, here, with the 2, 3, 4, and 8 seeds still in it. I like a Clijsters/Sharapova final, with Clijsters winning that.

On the boys' side, the draw looks weaker, which benefits Federer. He should have no trouble with the 21-seed Kiefer, who needed a mythopoetic journey to the land of darkness to get past that wily frog Grosjean. Don't-Call-Me-Davey Nalbandian may have more trouble with the streaking Baghdatis, who has knocked off a top-ten seed in each of his last two matches. (Although, let's be frank here: one of them, the 2-seed, was Andy Roddick, and beating Andy these days is like getting naughty with Madonna in the 80s -- just being in the same zip code means you stand a decent chance of it happening.) But if Nalbandian survives, he stands a good chance of winning his first slam. His game has not progressed as much as Federer's in the past 2 years, but he knows the Maestro's game well and was, during Federer's years on the rise, his bete noir.

That said, smart money's still on Federer.

Near Miss: Was in NYC this weekend for some cultur-izing. Whilst strolling down 5th Avenue, arm in arm with the Missus, trying to come to terms with my gin hangover, I was nearly struck down mid-stride by John Bolton's mustache. Thing had some serious 'tude.

I didn't see it coming, as it was incognito, in a windbreaker of all things, but while I can't swear to it, I'm fairly certain I saw a small Iranian envoy enveloped protectively beneathe the salt-and-pepper whiskers - off to some safe house no doubt, to hammer out some pre-arranged sanction language for the on-again uranium enrichment program. Anyway, as I was about to rear back and accost the accursed follicles, I was thrown against the glass of a Bergdorf show window by an unhappy man wearing an earpiece, and by the feel of things, a 10mm. I allowed discretion to be the greater part of valor and moved on ... sheepishly, all the while vowing to shave as soon as I got back to the hotel.

New York == what a city.

Wilson Pickett: A great loss. I grew up listening to "Land of 1000 Dances" and "Mustang Sally," and my understanding of rock and roll (and music generally) would be the poorer without him.

Last night I was reading this book, and the author spoke about reviewing videotapes of old soul revues with the legendary Sam Moore, who began to cry while watching his peers, so many now dead, strut their stuff, so young and alive and full of power.

Jeff Goldstein, winner: of my unofficial "Longest Sentence I've Seen Today" contest.

After all, if Star Jones can overcome that desire to stuff her ignorant maw with
Godiva chocolate and entire Hickory Farms gift baskets, then surely the
Islamists—who want to kill all infidels, or else force them to submit to
dhimmitude and Sharia law; and George Bush, who just wants to act all Shaft-like
baaadaassss, like Bufurd Pusser with unmanned drones and helicopter gunships
instead of a big slab of hickory—can simply solve this whole “global war on
terror” [read: men not properly conditioned by the carefully-designed cultural
fixes for manly bluster and excessively violent acting out detailed by Christina
Hoff Sommers in her The War Against Boys] by slapping their war cocks on the
table, measuring the things, handing out a ribbon to the winner, and getting on
with the important business of 1) universalizing health care and curing breast
cancer (US); and 2) making sure women are properly covered and beaten for
stepping out of line (which includes being raped); religious apostates summarily
executed, and homosexuals crushed beneath giant stone walls.

It really wasn't even close, actually.

Progressive Dog Sitting: Heheh -- Jon Anderson, front man for Yes, gives instructions to his dog sitter.

Money Well Spent: It only took 10 years and $21MM for a special prosecutor to determine that Cisneros underreported his income by doling out some of it to his mistress. I mean, for crissakes, this was a Clinton appointee! You think that just maybe he was doing shady things with a mistress?

The spin is that the special prosecutor had to take extra time because of a massive cover up by Cisneros' former friends and colleagues, and so then, more time and money had to be spent to investigate the cover up itself. By that logic, could the investigation ever end?

Oh, and the outcome of all this? A $10,000 fine by Cisneros with a guilty plea to a misdemeanor -- all other charges dropped because the mistress was an untrustworthy witness. Imagine that! But still, the "investigation" continued for another six years so that the cover up could be adequately "investigated".

The most important question is of course, how do I get one of these jobs? I think I should be appointed special prosecutor to investigate special prosecutions -- a lifetime appointment, don't you think?

Three Amigos: For what it's worth, the three GOP yahoos running for majority leader in the house had op-eds in the WSJ this week. Golly, wouldn't you know it, they're all, each one of 'em, shocked, shocked, at the kind of reckless spending that's been going on the the branch of government that their party controls. They are, to a man, opposed to pork, lobbyists, and whatever else you hate this week, goddammit.

I rest easy tonight knowing that one of these sawed-off bastards will be there to continue to ride the GOP into minority status. Hell, they'd be there already if the Dems weren't led by that halfwit Pelosi, who's starting to channel Newt, in politics if not policy.

I give up. Who wants a beer?

iPOD Zen: Much like your typical zen koan, one's iPod can provide deep, yet whimsical inspiration. Here's how: 1) Grab your iPod, 2) enable the shuffle feature for your songs, 3) randomly pick your first song, then, 4) advance to the next song, and 5) put the two titles together to see what you get. Here's a few good ones off of mine:

* Be Yourself; Lose Yourself / (AudioSlave); (Eminem)
* Everybody Knows; The Boxer / (Leonard Cohen); (Chemical Brothers)
* Blackout; Remind Me / (Muse); (Royksopp)
* Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing; One of These Days / (Chris Isaak); (Doves)
* Love and Longing; Optimistic / (Stellastarr); (Radiohead)
* Knives Out; Machine Gun Funk / (Radiohead); (Notorious B.I.G.)

And my favorite, because it's four in a row, and amazingly follows the storyline (for you Shakespeare fans) --

* She is Beautiful; You Choose; Romeo and Juliet; An Honest Mistake / (Andrew WK); (Pet Shop Boys); (Dire Straits); (The Bravery)

Anyway, not mind-blowing perhaps, but amusing and sometimes insightful.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie: Oy.... Well, my brief foray into the suicide pool ends rather ignominiously. Out with Henman on day 1 (as Eno was so kind to point out), and on day 3, Elena Likhovtseva stabs me in the back. I tried to show my usual bravado and not pick the "easy" ones -- instead, my creativity was punished. *sigh* See if I ever expose my heart again -- it's not easy trusting others, I just want to be loved, but NOOOOooooo.

Well goodbye cruel world, back to the bottom of the bottle for me.

Some Quick Hits: How I feel about my commonwealth, expressed quite well.

I think Radley's analysis is right on. But I'm happier about it than he is. Go Steelers!

Aussie O? Haven't watched a whipstitch of it yet, but no real surprises yet despite the "upset" headlines after day one. (Beating a Williams sister is no longer an upset, and early exits by ranked clay courters are expected.) Razor, your Henman pick in round one was bold. Bold, I tells ya. Adios.

Golly, That'll Fix the GOP's Wagon in a Hurry: The latest big thing making the rounds among the bloggerati is this "Appeal from center-right bloggers." It looks like one of those moronic e-mail petitions that made the rounds a decade or so ago.

No political party is going to reform itself when most of its congressional members are well insulated in their incumbency by gerrymandered districts and the McCain-Feingold incumbency protection act. Twenty years ago, an Abramoff scandal might have flipped the house to the minority party. Even the professional congress watchers think that pretty unlikely in 2006.

Power corrupts, and bureaucracy entrenches.

Best Po' Boys ever: James Glassman of Opinion Journal writes about the conditions in New Orleans. Good areas and bad, as we all know. He also has some thoughts on the city's rebuilding and who should take charge. But none of that really matters right now, because I'm overjoyed with this bit of news.

Some live oaks have toppled, and many magnolias have died, but all the way to
the French Quarter, the shops and restaurants are open, and people have come
home.

There are crowds taking a number for po' boy sandwiches at Domilise's on Annunciation, locals lunching on shrimp remoulade and trout amandine at Galatoire's, and browsers examining the silver ice buckets at Lucullus Antiques on Chartres Street.

I can't possibly express what a run down little hole in the wall shack this place is. It's the front half of an old house that sits on the corner of Annunciation and who knows what street (I had to find it anew every time I went there, maybe once or twice a month. I would drive to to where I thought it was and be wrong every time, then have to drive a few block on Ann. till I found it.).

Dom's was quintisential New Orleans, in a sense. Amazing, huge po' boys, loaded with shrimp, oyster (or both, the Peacemaker), soft shell crab or hot roast beef. A really small bar that served draft beer in big, iced fish bowl glasses or ice cold Barq's Root Beer (sorry to disappoint Eno, but not every lunch in NOLA was an excuse to booze). And Zapp's chips, the best in the world. Dom's smelled like 75 years worth of fried seafood and cigarette smoke (not a bad smell, actually, but tough to get out of a sportcoat) and attracted a diverse clientele of white and black, blue collar and suits. You ate fast and didn't linger long, or they'd start eyeing you like a thief for taking up a perfectly good table (there was only seating for about ten people at tables and another few at the bar and at lunchtime there could easily be twenty people in line to order).

Enough memory lane blather. Just really glad to hear they survived, both the storm/flood, which isn't that surprising given the location, and the ensuing dearth of business. Next chance I get, I'll be there. Large oyster. Dressed.

Don't Knock It: Via Drudge, this story: "Some Of Nation's Best Libraries Have Books Bound In Human Skin"

Actually, I have one of those in my collection. A small volume, bound in human skin, that contains the Oxford English Dictionary in tiny print. Actually, I had it bound in foreskin, so if you give it a good rub, you increase the type size.

Thanks, I'll be here all week, ladies and germs.

Wingnuts: Lileks.

Likewise the Little Red Book affair: okay, it didn’t happen. Granted. But if
Bush eavesdrops on people calling Al Qaeda cells in Pakistan, you know he has
plans to deport the Nation magazine’s subscriber base to labor camps in Kansas
and make them sew covers for Gideon Bibles. Sometimes a lie reveals a greater
truth. Just because “King Kong” is a movie doesn’t mean there aren’t monkeys,
somewhere. The lunatic right went through this in the 90s. Bill Clinton, as it
turned out, did not tie small children to railroad tracks in Mena, Arkansas to
cover up his world-wide cocaine-distribution syndicate. To the Clinton foes,
however, it was true in the macro sense. Somehow. It had to be. In the 90s these
people were marginal cranks, and no one listened to them. Today they’re on Air
America. So nothing’s changed, in other words.

Heh.

Aussie Suicide: No, I'm not writing to lament the self-inflicted death of the former INXS frontman, I'm talking about the John Wertheim (of Sports Illustrated [in this case, dot com]) suicide pool for the Aussie Open. No cash will exchange hands, but the winner gets some free SI swag (probably left over football phones from their subscription drives). Anyway, I'm in -- I'll register under some pseudonym bearing the "razor" marque.

I'll detail my picks later.

Some Alito Thoughts: Listening to the hearings when I can, some things are quite clear. First, and most obvious, is that Ted Kennedy's questions were written for him by a staffer. Anytime he tries to go off the board, it's clear he has no real understanding of the underlying concepts. (Much like his collegiate study of Spanish.)

Pat Leahy is a giant blowhard. If he spent any more time talking about himself, we'd have to bring down the houselights and cue the piano music.

Chuck Grassley sounds like he's in a hostage video. But at least his questions are short and to the point.

Alito's membership in CAP is a problem, considering he's pulling the old "no recollection" excuse. Other than that, if you think this guy's out of the "mainstream," you're living in a box somewhere, likely either in your own filth beneath an interstate overpass or at a teaching post at a major university (filth optional).

One more thing: Since I'm not watching, I'm not sure what the hell's going on in that room, but could someone pass around some f*cking cough drops?

Hingis v. Henin-Hardenne: In her first match against a top 10 player, the Swiss Miss fell well-short of the mark. Hardenne beat her soundly, 6-3, 6-3 -- breaking her on her first service and then pretty much toying with her from there.

What makes this match so interesting (and to be fair, it's only the third or fourth match Martina has played since resuming her career), is that of all the top 10 players out there, Hardenne is physically and game-play wise the most like her ... shorter, slighter, more angles and placement than power and brute strength. Granted, Justine is probably the best at those tactics, and Hingis has a ton of rust to shake off, but if Hardenne can handle Martina this easily, one shudders to think of Sharapova or one of the Williams girls (when healthy and interested) might do to the little thing from Switzerland.

My prediction is that Martina keeps a game face on into the French. If she gets wiped out there, on a surface that plays to ALL of her strengths, then it's quit-time and into a broadcast booth.

Hoist: Gene Shalit's in dutch.

The veteran Today show critic has been taken to task by the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation over his negative review of the gay cowboy western, in which he referred to Jake Gyllenhaal's character, Jack, as a "sexual predator" who "tracks Ennis down and coaxes him into sporadic trysts."

The group claimed that Shalit's statements, delivered during his "Critic's Choice" segment on Thursday's Today show, promoted "defamatory anti-gay prejudice to a national audience," and criticized NBC News for providing the eccentric critic with a platform from which to air his views.

I'd love to hear from Goldstein on this, if he isn't dead yet, but it seems to me that the academic left, particularly the queer theory left, has spent years living off radically deconstructing literary and/or historical relationships. You know, Tom and Huck are gay, or Tom and Jim are, or Jesus and Judas are and Judas betrays him for making eyes at young Mark, or Holden Caufield is a repressed homo, or Abe Lincoln was with his bed-buddy Josh Speed, or Cap'n Ahab is driven to obsession with the whale because his society won't let him have some sweet, sweet man-love. That sort of thing. (The broader gay community [like GLAAD] loved it, too, mainly since it was "transgressive" but mostly because it made straight people, especially straight religious people, uncomfortable, I think.)

Well, look at 'em now, shoouting "no fair" at Gene Shalit.

At least one person in my family has been sick since Thanksgiving, and we've had a non-stop parade of in laws coming through for the holidays, so no, I haven't seen the movie yet. But I have a hunch that Shalit's take is not wildly off the mark. No matter what, it's a work of art, and once out of the auteur's hand, it is open to any and all interpretation that can be supported by direct reference to the text. Hope Shalit says something like that instead of the usual chickenshit fold in the face of a designated victim group.

Razor's Next Governor? Via AP:

Former Steelers star Lynn Swann declared his candidacy for Pennsylvania governor Wednesday in the city where he made his name in professional football.

He told The Associated Press in an interview Wednesday afternoon that he made up his mind to run in the fall, after spending months weighing support at events around the state.

And he's a Republican, too.

Swann said Wednesday that he hopes to convince blacks that he is a better candidate than [Ed] Rendell, the former Philadelphia mayor. The Democratic Party has "taken the African American vote for granted," Swann said.

As a commenter here notes, anyone aiming to give Swann the treatment Maryland's Michael Steele got should make sure to be at least in Harrisburg.

Journalism 101: Good to see that the mainstream media learned absolutely nothing in 2005, since they blew the first be story of this year (and doubled the tragedy for the families) by running pure unsourced rumor as "news."

In one of the most disturbing media performances of its kind in recent years, TV news and many newspapers carried the tragically wrong news late Tuesday and early Wednesday that 12 of 13 trapped coal miners in West Virginia had been found alive and safe. Hours later they had to reverse course.

. . . It is unclear why the media carried the news without nailed-down sourcing. Some reports claim the early reports spread via cell phones and when loved ones, and the governor, started celebrating most in the media simply joined in.

Real solid, professional reporting from solid professionals.

In a word: PANEXA! The drug for YOUR lifestyle....

A Late Christmas Gift:

Once-powerful lobbyist Jack Abramoff pleaded guilty Tuesday to federal charges of conspiracy, tax evasion and mail fraud, agreeing to cooperate in an influence-peddling investigation that threatens powerful members of Congress.

Because, you know, where n = a number of U.S. congressmen being led away in cuffs, n is never so low that I can't manage a smile.