Wednesday, March 09, 2005

How to throw a case: Please, learn from my mistakes. I've been a litigator for going on seven years now. Not an eternity, but long enough to have committed some blunders in the courtroom - much to the chagrin of my clients. But, if you're hell-bent on losing, then you could do worse than the following:

1. Ask the judge if he's one of those penis-pumping judges.

2. Insist on conducting the entire trial as if you're Jim Carrey from "Liar, Liar".

3. Open your case with: "Since we know the Jews control everything, let's not pretend this whole case isn't just a sham..."

4. Mark your exhibits with Yu-Gi-Oh stickers: "Your Honor, I'd now like to show the witness a document which I've marked for identification purposes as "'Mokuba Kaiba'."

5. Wheel around to the jury as you whip out a realisitic-looking toy gun, screaming "I told you to stay away from my wife!!"

6. Remind your witness, when he's on the stand, to just "tell the story like we rehearsed it yesterday."

7. Repeat everything your opposing counsel says in a mocking, sing-songy tone.

8. Refer to the judge as "Your Holier-Than-Thou".

9. Ask for that cute juror's number during your closing argument.

10. Ventriloquism.

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