FauxPolitik

Friday, February 25, 2005

Update from the Vatican: 1100 EST: Unconfirmed reports are seeping out that His Holiness has complained of the tartness of his puttanesca sauce. He decreed from his divine 8-way adjustable bed: "The anchovy seemed a bit strong." A vigil is planned this evening in Mexico during which time prayers will be said en masse for the hospital chefs to come to their senses, and use fresh anchovy, and not the paste.

1140 EST: According to sources from the Holy See, the Pope is reportedly firmly in Ashlee Simpson's camp. "Hey, sometimes your voice gets ragged and you need a little help. Remember that speech in Denver for World Youth Day, 1993? Totally canned. I just recycled a speech from an address I gave to some archbishops in 1989. No one seemed to mind. Mostly they played the hacky sack."

1252 EST: Papal spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls in his daily press conference confirmed that the Pontiff is contemplating what will likely be his final encyclical: "Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam." Navarro-Valls continued: "Of course, sometimes our Holy Father is a bit difficult to understand these days."

1422 EST: The peals from the bells of St. Peter's could be heard for miles upon news that Pope John Paul II had indeed finished "Halo 2" in a mere (and some are insisting upon divine intervention) 7 hours. The Pontiff was seen briefly at his hospital window, his thumbs packed in ice, waving to the adoring crowds below. Many Italian youth were cheering His name, and arguing loudly over whether the Pope preferred playing as the Master Chief or as the Covenant Elite.

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