What is Porter Goss going to do about it??!?: Our intelligence and security forces are in a shambles, yet not even Karl Rove could have come up with such threat to our nation's well-being. No, this goes beyond loose lips. Our very own White House, with the President in residence, was recently infiltrated by a cluster of the most insidious and dangerous devices known to man this side of ICBMs.

Was it sarin laced micro-needle projectiles fired from the tip of an otherwise innocuous fountain pen?

No.

A briefcase-sized nuclear weapon?

No.

Ummm, a ceramic pistol with fragmentary ballistics?

Wrongo, amigo.

No, it was much, much worse. It was...it was...flip flops! Not only did these foul items breach the perimeter of the White House, they "thwack-thwacked" their way right up the Commander in Chief, as Secret Service agent after Secret Service agent stood idly by, talking into his wrist. W, seemingly oblivious to his own personal safety, as well as the affront to his office, greeted the agent provocateurs who wore the cursed thongs (you know, not the good kind), with smiles and platitudes, while being literally a couple of scarcely covered feet away the whole time from the fanatics bent on footwear fatwah.

I nearly moved to Alaska (the only state known to be flip flop free [plus they got the doobage - Eno]) such was my revulsion and panic. Yet, I cannot give up hope just yet. I have faith in my leaders to act. Install martial law, put the meter at Red, suspend habeus corpus...for god's sake do something, but do it before the unthinkable happens: Barbara Bush mounting the steps to Air Force One in day glo plastic and rubber flip flops, snapping gum and remarking on what a good meal for the money that Olive Garden is. Oh the humanity...