Notice to Cyclists: You bore me. Take your f*cking bike to a park and ride the goddamn thing there. Particularly you "recumbent" cyclists. Do you have any idea how you look? Like some whacked out boob of an inventor straight out of the 70's, set to appear on "That's Incredible" with your latest invention, the Barco-Cycle. (Did you know that there is a "Recumbent Cyclist" magazine? How much is there to write about this borderline psychotic activity? If you're sitting in that posture without chips and the remote, you need guidance.)

Oh, and another thing: Ditch the moronic "Share the Road" accessories. I have yet to see a single cyclist in this town follow an applicable traffic law. You want me to share the road? Then that means you quit zipping through the intersection around the line of cars waiting for the light. That means that when I yield to pedestrians, you don't whip around me, cut between crosswalk traffic, and then block my ass when you stop at the next crosswalk to chat with some buddy of yours. And when I come past on a narrow road, that's your cue to get your two silly wheels over to the curb, not to stand up in the stirrups and hump the bike from side to side, taking up the whole lane, like you're doing some kind of Pyrenees climb.

I'll put the bottom line bluntly: I have a two-ton car . . . and limited patience.