Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Helpful hints on how to avoid shark attacks: In light of the recent "spate" of shark attacks (notice how no one acts surprised if a person wandering around the African savannah is killed by a lion/leopard/cheetah, but once a person is bitten by the most evolutionary perfect killing machine in its own habitat - it's national news), we here at FauxPolitik want to do our civic duty and offer you some safety tips on how to avoid being bitten and/or killed by a shark*:

1. Avoid wearing freshly cut tuna pieces as beach fashion accessory.

2. While body surfing, do not go on and on and on about how great a director Steven Spielberg is, and wow, did he ever coax a great performance out of Roy Scheider, a true movie hero if there ever was one.

3. Sandals with socks. Known shark attractant. Ever seen a German make it out of the ocean alive? Neither have I.

4. If you do see a shark coming right at you, take out your survival knife, wield it in the classic underhand commando grip, crouch, then reach out and slice the nearest person to you who looks like s/he is a slower swimmer, and then go like hell for the shore. It helps if you distract that person with a comment about the pretty dolphins right before the cut.

5. Wear killer whale costume when venturing past surf break. Sharks don't fuck with killer whales. Use squeeze bottle to approximate blow hole clearing. Eat mullet or herring thrown to you by friend/spouse dressed as Sea World trainer (do not forget whistle; sharks notice detail).

6. Don't swim in ocean.

There you have it. We hope this has been helpful. Remember sharks don't kill people, Michael Schiavo does.

*Note, this only applies whilst in the water. If a land shark comes knocking on front door, you're on your own.


Flyer said...

In re: #3, socks with sandals, might that extend to flip-flops with street attire as well? I often find myself at the ocean in "biz-caz" wear, skids and all, longing to plunge right in to the surf. Does this put me at risk of being mauled by fashion sensitive sea beasts?

Razor said...

Sharks are very fashion-oriented (you've no doubt heard of the shark skin suit). Do not toy with them. You do so at your peril.

They often go for fat jiggly women who wear those little bathing suit skirts to appear "slim" and non-Brazillian men who wear banana hammocks in public.