Thought in Progress

Hopefully, I'll have time to come back and flesh this out a little more.  I was was struck by a thought this week.

If I had know 30 years ago how much of life was just making shit up as you go, I would have lived my life differently.  Somehow, I feel like I was always waiting for that moment when everything would straighten out, I would understand who I was and where I belonged, and all would make sense.

I realized rather late that life does not change in that fundamental way.  I've lived happy times and sad times; had jobs that seemed like play and jobs I dreaded every single day; and at various times had supportive friends and partners and other times felt all alone.  All through that, there has never been a time when I wasn't making shit up, improvising madly, feeling impostor syndrome lurking right behind me.

Maybe there are special people out there, always proceeding with confidence and certainty, unencumbered by doubts.  After 50 years on this planet, I'm inclined to call those people sociopaths and be done with it.

Kids, I don't know much, but this I have figured out.  Start now, do what you want, and take the f*cking consequences.  Because things don't really change.